Problem:

I keep getting these emails to "migrate my account", which I do not want to do and is objectively a bad idea, you know this, and I know you don't care.

I try to complete the steps based on them as best described by the material on my screen:

1. The "MIGRATE NOW" -button links to https://minecraft.net/move
2. That redirects you to https://www.minecraft.net/en-us/mojang-account-move
3. That page seems to claim the first step in getting it done is "SIGN IN TO YOUR ACCOUNT"
4. That simply links to https://account.microsoft.com/
5. https://account.microsoft.com/ contains no information about Minecraft, Mojang, and definitely absolutely no information of any kind about any account migration - complete dead end

I've tried to instead

1. Go to minecraft.net
2. Click "LOG IN" on the top right corner and log in with my Microsoft account, the first obvious option
3. Go to "Profile" once logged in
4. It tells me I do not own Minecraft

Then if I log out again, and instead

1. Go to minecraft.net
2. Click "LOG IN" on the top right corner and log in with my Mojang account
3. I am greeted with some migration flow

This is incredibly unclear and you seem to have put a lot of effort into making this as hard to follow as possible. Both accounts have the same email address.

Solution:

The "MIGRATE NOW" -button should take you to a page that describes the ACTUAL STEPS one needs to complete to do the migration. These don't include random links to "SIGN IN TO YOUR ACCOUNT" that just point to unrelated Microsoft sites and just lead to dead-ends

There should also be a clear video that shows what the process is supposed to be like.

It should clearly say the steps are something like:

Step 1. Log into minecraft.net with a Mojang account - not a Microsoft account. This should provide a link to a login form with no option to log in with a Microsoft account.

Step 2. You will start the migration by verifying your email address.

Step 3. You need to sign in / sign up for a Microsoft account.

Step 4. You can complete the move.

Step 5. From now on use the Microsoft account to sign in.

All the nonsensical claims about "improving safety and security" and pizza and dinnerbones should be removed. They are not relevant, and are making the website more difficult to follow.