https://www.loom.com/share/131679d797c7400caf239dae45a84402
Video demonstrating full bug is above, with narration.
Summary: when I download the launcher, it doesn't run the launcher but instead says 'The application "Minecraft Launcher" can't be opened'. When I go into the package and run launcher.exe directly everything works totally fine.
Contact me if you have any other questions.