I have internet access, but it still says I am offline and I cannot access my game. This is the crash report (I hope you can decipher it, I can't):

---- Minecraft Crash Report ----
// But it works on my machine.

Time: 1/21/15 12:33 PM
Description: Updating screen events

java.lang.IllegalStateException: failed to create a child event loop
at io.netty.util.concurrent.MultithreadEventExecutorGroup.<init>(MultithreadEventExecutorGroup.java:68)
at io.netty.channel.MultithreadEventLoopGroup.<init>(MultithreadEventLoopGroup.java:49)
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoopGroup.<init>(NioEventLoopGroup.java:61)
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoopGroup.<init>(NioEventLoopGroup.java:52)
at re.a(SourceFile:44)
at re.b(SourceFile:41)
at ur.c(SourceFile:10)
at rd.a(SourceFile:121)
at bss.a(SourceFile:1923)
at bxf.i(SourceFile:172)
at bxf.a(SourceFile:135)
at bxe.a(SourceFile:342)
at bxe.k(SourceFile:405)
at bxf.k(SourceFile:81)
at bxe.p(SourceFile:382)
at bss.r(SourceFile:1480)
at bss.at(SourceFile:880)
at bss.a(SourceFile:317)
at net.minecraft.client.main.Main.main(SourceFile:124)
Caused by: io.netty.channel.ChannelException: failed to open a new selector
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoop.openSelector(NioEventLoop.java:128)
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoop.<init>(NioEventLoop.java:120)
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoopGroup.newChild(NioEventLoopGroup.java:87)
at io.netty.util.concurrent.MultithreadEventExecutorGroup.<init>(MultithreadEventExecutorGroup.java:64)
... 18 more
Caused by: java.io.IOException: Unable to establish loopback connection
at sun.nio.ch.PipeImpl$Initializer.run(Unknown Source)
at sun.nio.ch.PipeImpl$Initializer.run(Unknown Source)
at java.security.AccessController.doPrivileged(Native Method)
at sun.nio.ch.PipeImpl.<init>(Unknown Source)
at sun.nio.ch.SelectorProviderImpl.openPipe(Unknown Source)
at java.nio.channels.Pipe.open(Unknown Source)
at sun.nio.ch.WindowsSelectorImpl.<init>(Unknown Source)
at sun.nio.ch.WindowsSelectorProvider.openSelector(Unknown Source)
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoop.openSelector(NioEventLoop.java:126)
... 21 more
Caused by: java.net.SocketException: Permission denied: connect
at sun.nio.ch.Net.connect0(Native Method)
at sun.nio.ch.Net.connect(Unknown Source)
at sun.nio.ch.Net.connect(Unknown Source)
at sun.nio.ch.SocketChannelImpl.connect(Unknown Source)
at java.nio.channels.SocketChannel.open(Unknown Source)
... 30 more

A detailed walkthrough of the error, its code path and all known details is as follows:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

– Head –
Stacktrace:
at io.netty.util.concurrent.MultithreadEventExecutorGroup.<init>(MultithreadEventExecutorGroup.java:68)
at io.netty.channel.MultithreadEventLoopGroup.<init>(MultithreadEventLoopGroup.java:49)
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoopGroup.<init>(NioEventLoopGroup.java:61)
at io.netty.channel.nio.NioEventLoopGroup.<init>(NioEventLoopGroup.java:52)
at re.a(SourceFile:44)
at re.b(SourceFile:41)
at ur.c(SourceFile:10)
at rd.a(SourceFile:121)
at bss.a(SourceFile:1923)
at bxf.i(SourceFile:172)
at bxf.a(SourceFile:135)
at bxe.a(SourceFile:342)
at bxe.k(SourceFile:405)
at bxf.k(SourceFile:81)
at bxe.p(SourceFile:382)

– Affected screen –
Details:
Screen name: bxp
Stacktrace:
at bss.r(SourceFile:1480)
at bss.at(SourceFile:880)
at bss.a(SourceFile:317)
at net.minecraft.client.main.Main.main(SourceFile:124)

– System Details –
Details:
Minecraft Version: 1.8.1
Operating System: Windows 7 (x86) version 6.1
Java Version: 1.7.0_71, Oracle Corporation
Java VM Version: Java HotSpot(TM) Client VM (mixed mode), Oracle Corporation
Memory: 76953376 bytes (73 MB) / 222687232 bytes (212 MB) up to 523501568 bytes (499 MB)
JVM Flags: 6 total; -XX:HeapDumpPath=MojangTricksIntelDriversForPerformance_javaw.exe_minecraft.exe.heapdump -Xmx512M -XX:+UseConcMarkSweepGC -XX:+CMSIncrementalMode -XX:-UseAdaptiveSizePolicy -Xmn128M
IntCache: cache: 0, tcache: 0, allocated: 0, tallocated: 0
Launched Version: 1.8.1
LWJGL: 2.9.1
OpenGL: Intel(R) HD Graphics Family GL version 3.1.0 - Build 8.15.10.2372, Intel
GL Caps: Using GL 1.3 multitexturing.
Using GL 1.3 texture combiners.
Using framebuffer objects because OpenGL 3.0 is supported and separate blending is supported.
Shaders are available because OpenGL 2.1 is supported.
VBOs are available because OpenGL 1.5 is supported.

Using VBOs: No
Is Modded: Probably not. Jar signature remains and client brand is untouched.
Type: Client (map_client.txt)
Resource Packs: []
Current Language: English (US)
Profiler Position: N/A (disabled)